Dan's Little Secret
by samoplasm
Summary: Youtube slash. Phanfiction Phan: danisnotonfire & amazingphil . This is my first fanfic so please review, If you guys enjoy this i'll post another chapter a.s.a.p. Disclaimer: I don't own Dan or Phil obviously and Phan isn't real. I don't claim that any of this actually happens.
1. Chapter 1

I knock on the door, and he still won't open. I've been sitting outside of Phil's door for nearly twenty minutes, and he just won't open. I came home just a bit earlier to the sound of Phil crying; the worst, heartbreaking noise. I can't stand to see him anything but happy; he deserves to be happy all the time. Deserves it so much more than I do. Of course, I ran to the door and knocked, asking for him, and the sobbing halted and turned to just a quiet sniffle. Whatever it was that was bothering him, he didn't really want me to know. I decided that I should just give him time; let him come out of his room on his own. Besides, he'll have to come out eventually. Come out… I'd done the whole "coming out" thing a month or so ago. Phil was okay with me being gay, and it didn't change anything between us, although sometimes I wish it had. I guess I was hoping he had stronger feelings for me than just friends, but that's just not the case. We'll never be anything more than friends and that tears me up inside. Phil is the light of my life; he changed how I look at the world. I step away from his door, heading into the kitchen.

There it is, the burning, stinging pain on my hip. I knew it'd hit me eventually. I lift up my shirt to peer at the source of the pain when I hear a door creak. I smooth my shirt down again just as Phil walks in, puffy-eyed and gloomy as ever.

"Hi," he says in probably the most monotone voice I've ever heard. He slumps into the couch and I follow directly after him, my face full of concern.

"What's going on Phil? You know you're going to have to tell me eventually; I'm not just going to let this slide. Not if it makes you this upset." I speak as he faces me with those beautiful blue eyes, the eyes you could swim in.

"Laura broke up with me, said I wasn't grown up enough for her. She wants someone with a "real job, not some stupid youtuber." I thought I loved her Dan, I really did. Everything was great… or at least I believed it was, and then she pulled this. I can't believe I actually thought she loved me back! Really, could I be in more of a piece of fucking worthless shit." He was tearing up again. This was obviously serious, considering I haven't heard Phil cuss in years. I stared off into space, trying to form a sentence as quick as I could. Every part of his statement hurt. The fact that she called him stupid, he loves her, and he thinks he's worthless. Phil is the most perfect person I've ever come across, and he thinks he's worthless? If that label goes to anyone, it's me.

"Phil… first of all, you're not worthless. You're the most amazing person I've ever met in my entire life and she isn't even worth your time. You're the last person in this world who should ever hurt this much, and I want you to know I'm here for you. Whatever you want, I'll help you." I said sincerely, somewhat ignoring the fact that he said he loved her. He leaned into my shoulder, soaking my white t-shirt while he cried, which didn't really bother me. I wrapped my arms around him for comfort.

"Hey… have you eaten anything yet today?" I put the tips of my fingers under his chin and lifted his head up so he was looking me in the eyes, "I could make you some Delia Smith pancakes, or we could play Sonic, just whatever you like. You need to get your mind off of this." I smiled lightly at him, and he grinned back.

"Pancakes sound nice… then we could re-watch Kill Bill? Maybe turn it into a movie night." He spoke, and I leaped off the couch, and turned around to pull him up with me. I led the still somewhat gloomy-looking boy to sit at the breakfast bar, and I got out the ingredient for the pancakes.


	2. Chapter 2

Phil and I had a fantastic night just watching movies, and eventually he fell asleep and cuddled up against my side. It was around two in the morning when I finally decided I should wake him, considering I felt a little creepy just watching him sleep. He just looked so… well, beautiful. I led him into his room, and every bone in my body wanted to lean forward and kiss him good night, but my logical side held me back. I then returned to my room, and proceeded to lie in my bed for over an hour now with thoughts swimming through my head. At first joyful thoughts about Phil, youtube, and the fans, but I eventually drifted into my darker thoughts, the thoughts I can't share with anyone. About how I don't even deserve to have Phil, or how I don't even deserve to live anymore. And thoughts like that never lead to the best of actions.

* * *

I drifted out of my room and down toward the kitchen, where Phil was rinsing out his empty cereal bowl.

"Well, good morning sleepy head, didn't know if you were ever going to get up." I looked to the clock on the stove, almost one in the afternoon, oops.

"Yeah, I was up kind of late last night. We have any Wheaties left?" I head over to the portion of counter space where we keep our boxes of cereal.

"Over half a box, we got them yesterday. I don't think either of us can consume cereal that fast." He smiled at me and went back to his laptop, checking his twitter replies from the looks of it. I make myself a bowl of cereal and head to the other sofa, attempting to multitask with my cereal as well as turning on my laptop. I decided to check my Tumblr tag, half of it filled with posts about 'Phan.' I ignore it as usual, because it only upsets me. It doesn't really irritate me or anything, I just hate that so many people want it to happen, while the one person who can actually make it happen doesn't want anything more than a friendship. By now I've finished up my cereal, and I notice Phil giggle.

"What's so funny?" I turn my attention to Phil, who's focused on the computer screen.

"I just opened a fanfiction about us that someone sent me a link to, let me just say these people have got some wild imaginations. We're Pokemon trainers in this one, and I'm only a paragraph in and it's already getting pretty steamy." He giggled again, his tongue sticking out the side of his mouth.

"Yeah, sounds pretty ridiculous." I spoke, smiling at him. I guess I looked a little off because he took one look at me, closed his laptop, and came over to sit next to me on the sofa.

"Is something wrong?" He looked at me, and I could hardly keep the eye contact. _You could tell him Dan. You could tell him right now that you love him, don't think of the consequences._

"Oh, no, nothing. I'm cool." _I'm such a chicken, why couldn't I just say it. _

"Hey," I could have sworn I heard his voice falter, "What do you think of our friendship?" He spoke, and I looked to him for any sort of emotion in his face, but I couldn't find any. What did he mean? What kind of answer was he even looking for?

"It's awesome, I mean you're the best friend that I've ever had so, yeah. Why?" Still, nothing. How could he hide his emotions so well when I couldn't?

"Do you ever really think about us as you know… more than just friends?" _What. Could Phil, Phil Lester, the only person I've ever fallen in love with feel the same way as I do? Of course not, he's got to just be messing with me or something._

"I don't know, why?" _Keep your answers vague Dan, at least until you found out what he is really feeling._

"Oh yeah, no reason really. I was just curious. I'm going to go take a shower." He patted my leg and stood up, rushing out of the room. What had just happened? Phil might actually feel the same way and I completely screwed it up. I should have just been honest with him, because he might actually feel the same way. But no, I never have the guts to say anything. I sat up from the sofa, and then went to my room, with the door shut and locked behind me. I climbed into bed, wrapping myself in the comforter. Why do I even bother getting out of bed in the mornings? Oh yeah, for Phil. Everything I do is for Phil. I know it'd hurt him if I were to just end it one day… so I keep going. For Phil.

* * *

"I'm going to wash my sheets, want me to wash yours with them?" He walked into my room with a white laundry basket. Phil was such a sweet and courteous boy, no wonder everyone liked him so much.

"Oh sure, thanks." I turned and smiled at him. He removed my comforter and started to pull the sheets off the bed when I saw him pause. _Oh shit._

"Dan, why are there blood spots on your sheets?" He looked so worried, and I could feel my eyes grow wide, I bet I looked terrified. I was.

"Uh- nose bleed. I had a really bad nose bleed last night, that's why I was up so late." My words were filled with guilt, I hated being dishonest to the one person I loved. But this was for his own good as well as mine, right? He wouldn't take his eyes off me. He knew I was lying, I think the stare was to try and break me down, to pull the truth from me. But I wouldn't budge. He eventually turned back to the sheets.

"Okay… but wouldn't that be more on or near your pillow? I somehow doubt blood from your nose would be this close to the bottom of the bed." _For the love of God, can Phil stop playing detective? _I didn't say a word, just looked at him. He looked so disappointed. He proceeded to remove the sheets, and walked out of the room without a word.


	3. Chapter 3

****Trigger warning! Contains self-harm… sort of.****

"And one mocha cappuccino for you, my good sir." Phil sat down across from me in Starbucks. We were sitting in the spot I'd claimed in "A Day in the Life of Phil and Dan." The mood had lightened an unbelievable amount from earlier. Along with my idea to head to Starbucks, Phil seemed to completely forget about this morning. As we walked here he was so playful and happy, which of course made me happy as well. Believe me, that boy really knows how to brighten anyone's day. I sat and stirred my drink, watching him as he fumbled with his phone, trying to pull it out of his jean pocket. We engaged in the usual small talk, shooting video ideas back and forth. I couldn't stop smiling, watching him become so enthusiastic and excited about all these ideas we had, he was like a little kid in a candy shop.

We eventually made our way back to the flat, both of us hyper from coffee, laughing the whole way back. I pressed the button for the lift, and I went to say something to Phil, but I stopped myself. His blue eyes were focused on nothing but space; he was off in his thoughts somewhere. We stepped into the lift, him leaning against the wall across from me as the door slid shut. We began to move up, and that's when he blurted it out.

"I love you," the words were like silk, those three words had never meant as much as they did in this moment. We stood in silence.

"You, what?" These were the only words I had managed after what I had just heard. I saw so much intent and focus in his face; he had made a decision and was sticking to it. He crossed the small space in the lift, came so close that our noses were almost touching. His hands gently slid onto my hips and he leaned into to me… _Ding. _The door to the lift opens and a man dressed in a suit stepped in, a phone to his ear, as Phil quickly backed away from me. Phil and I stood in silence with the man until the door opened to our floor. Phil stepped out first, picking up to a very fast walk as the lift door shut behind me. He slammed the side of his fist against the wall beside the door. He fished for his keys in his jacket pocket but couldn't seem to find them, so I saw him lean against the wall and wait till I had reached the door. I pulled out my key.

"Phil, once I open this door, can you promise you won't go into your room? I want to talk about this right now." He nodded slowly and I slid my key into the door and opened it. He walked past me and into the bathroom, shutting to door behind him.

I sighed and sat the keys down on the breakfast bar. Phil rarely ever has a temper, but it's best to just leave him be when does. I walked around the kitchen, opening random cabinets. I wasn't searching for anything particular, just occupying myself. I spotted a kitchen knife lying on the counter. _Dan, No. Not right now. Phil wouldn't want that. _I picked it up, turning it in my palm, so tempting. Then the bathroom door opened. I quickly laid the tool down as I turned to face Phil, making sure he didn't notice. Phil headed for one of the sofas, and I followed to sit down beside him. My nerves were building up, and I wasn't entirely sure what to say to him.

"It got messed up." Phil turned to look at me, tears in his eyes. I gave him a puzzled look; I wasn't sure what he meant.

"I was so ready to do something I'd been dying to do for years. I spent the day thinking about it, making sure it played out exactly right, and then some guy had to come in and ruin everything. In a second everything got thrown off-"

"Phil. Did you mean what you said?"

"What?"

"In the lift," I took a breath, "you…. You said you loved me." Phil put his face in his hands, wiping the tears away.

"Daniel Howell. I would never ever lie about anything like that to you, I meant it. Getting those words out was the most terrifying thing I've ever done. I thought you'd hate me for it or be weirded out or just something…" Phil rambled and my mind trailed off. Maybe I should take the chance he wanted to take. It's my turn to step up. I turned toward him and laid my hand on his leg, so he'd turn to look at me.

There's no turning back, not this time.


	4. Chapter 4

***Thank you so much for following this fic, it really means a lot to me! I've got the next chapter written, so please review and I'll post it soon! Your reviews really help out a lot. Also keep in mind I don't have a beta at the moment, but I read over it quite a few times. I apologize for any errors I may have missed.***

Phil turned to speak, and our lips collided. He was stiff and tensed at first, but soon enough his lips relaxed and he began to move in unison with mine. As I leaned close to him, trying to close the gap between us, I wrapped my arms around his waist, and his slid around my neck. _Finally, _I've wanted this to happen for years, and all I needed was to know that he wanted it too. I pushed him against the sofa, and we adjusted with one another, our lips breaking for only a second. He sat up against the side of the sofa, and I straddled his hips. My fingers were intertwined in his hair, and his arms were wrapped around me, pulling me closer to him. Our lips fit together perfectly, and his tongue traced across my bottom lip, requesting entrance, and I complied. I've never felt so blown away, or so ecstatic, he was perfect in every possible way. Our tongues wrestled one another, and I gently rocked my hips into his, _wouldn't want to get him too excited on the first night. _Eventually our lips fell back together, and Phil was the one who broke the kiss. He pushed up on my waist, so I sat up to look at him. He laid his hands on my sides, rubbing my hips.

"So are we-"

"Together?" I'd been wondering the same thing, "and considering I haven't even got the chance to say it yet, I love you Phil Lester. I love you with every fiber of my being and you're the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever met." I smiled at him, his icy blue eyes examining my brown ones, and I removed myself from the sofa, pulling him up directly after. He followed me into the kitchen, and pulled on my hand as I headed for the fridge, and I spun around.

"I'm not going to ask about the sheets, but I do just want to say this. It's your own personal business and if you don't feel comfortable telling me then that's fine. Whatever it is, I just hope you're okay. That's all I worry about, making sure that you're okay because no one is as important to me as you are." His eyes were wide.

"Yeah, I'm alright. If it was something important I'd tell you, okay?"

"Okay." Phil leaned in and pressed his lips to mine, before exiting the kitchen and heading to turn on the Playstation. I turned back to the fridge, pulling out a can of Sprite. I absolutely hate lying to Phil, but I know that I can't tell him, he wouldn't handle it well. Besides, it's not like it's necessarily a problem... I'm not hurting anyone who doesn't deserve it. I was torn from the thought when I felt two arms wrap around my waist from behind me, Phil snuggling into my back.

"Hey. I love you a lot, don't forget that. And I'm happy I can actually say it now." I grabbed his wrists, loosening his grip so I could turn around to face him. After I'd turned to him, his hands went back to their rightful place, resting on my waist. I pushed the fringe from his face, and then slid my hand down his cheek and he pulled me in for another kiss. I've never felt so in love with anyone.

"This just feels so natural and easy, you know? Like it's meant to be this way." I spoke, Phil's eyes lit up and he grinned at me, grabbing my hand and leading me into the living room. I settled onto the sofa and he walked towards the television.

"Games, take your pick." He motioned to our massive collection.

"Let's make it old school, Crash Bandicoot."

* * *

"Laura, calm down, I said I'd head that way soon!" I was awoken by Phil yelling. I slid out of bed without a sound, listening to what he was saying. I heard the name Laura and I could already sense a lump forming in my throat.

"Are you kidding? I'm fine, I'll come by to pick up those few things and then I'm gone. There will be no "sticking around for a drink." This shouldn't be a big deal." I continued to listen, cracking my bedroom door open enough so that I could slide through the opening. I couldn't see him yet but I knew he was on the phone.

"I'll be there in like thirty minutes okay. I'm not dealing with this." I heard his phone hit the breakfast bar, and he walked into the hallway. Meeting my eyes, he realized I'd be standing there listening to his every word.

"Oh, um, I was going to come wake you." He stared at the ground.

"What was that about? You were talking to Laura."

"Listen, I just have to go by there and pick up a few things I left at her house, and then I'll come right back." He met my gaze again, then walked towards me and grabbed my hands, and I just stared at him. The last thing I wanted him to do is go anywhere near her. I know I can trust Phil, but it's just Laura that I don't trust. And he sensed that.

"Okay, would you feel better if you came with me?"

"I'll go change." I pulled my hand away and rushed into my bedroom, pulling off my pajamas and walked toward my wardrobe. I slid my white Howl shirt on over my head, yanked a pair of black jeans from the wardrobe, and turned around only to see Phil standing in my doorway.

"Phil!" I held my trousers up in front of my boxers. He started giggling, his tongue sticking out the side of his mouth, and his hand went up to cover it.

"What's so funny?"

"You look so startled! Seriously, if you think you have anything to be ashamed of, you're wrong. I was interested in seeing this sight for myself." He laughed and turned, walking away from the doorway. I rolled my eyes, sliding on my pants. I can get him back for this soon enough, since I'm interested in seeing that sight anyways. I pushed on a pair of shoes and met Phil at the front door, pulling it open for him.

* * *

Phil pushed the intercom and she buzzed us in. We walked into the lift, making our way up to her floor.

"So... she doesn't know we're together yet. I didn't feel like I needed to tell her because I didn't think I was going to have to do this. But if you want me to mention it to her I can. All I want is to get her completely out of my life as soon as possible." Phil held my hand, looking worried and frustrated.

"It's fine. Your choice, mention it to her only if you feel like you need to." I squeezed his hand tighter, and flashed a smile to show that I was okay, and that he would be too.

We walked up to her door, which she flung open. Laura had long strawberry blonde hair, curled for the occasion. She was always one to wear tighter clothes, sporting a red top that showed much more cleavage than necessary, and denim jeans along with patent leather heels. A bit too fixed up for lounging around her flat, in my opinion. She grimaced at the sight of me.

"Who said you could bring this faggot?" That term was always a shot straight the heart, I despised it. Her face contorted in disgust, she turned and glared at Phil.

"I don't require your say in anything, and don't call him that. Can I please just get my stuff?" I couldn't tell you what Phil ever saw in this girl.

"Whatever." She moved from the doorway, allowing us access into her home. She had a very neat and organized house, I'll give her that. She walked into another room, I'm assuming her bedroom, and Phil motioned toward the mint green sofas.

"You can sit if you want, this will only take a second though." He gave a weak smile to go along with his apologetic eyes. I slowly moved to sit on the sofa, trying not to let this bother me, and he followed her into her bedroom. I sat in silence, trying to figure what he ever saw in this girl to make him think he loved her. He came back into the living room, crouching down in front of the television to remove a disc from the DVD player. And there she followed, right after him. He glared at her as she followed right on his heels, and headed back for her bedroom. I was getting a bit anxious so I pulled myself from the sofa, and began roaming around the home. I headed toward the bedroom.

"Phil, you almost ready to-" There it was, Laura sat above Phil on the bed, leaning down to kiss him. My heart split. Laura turned toward the doorway, and Phil shoved her from the bed.

"Dan no, it's not-" I drowned him out with my own thoughts. My heart filled with anger and I ran, pulling open her front door and started toward the lift. I could hear Phil yelling after me as the door slammed shut.


	5. Chapter 5

***Trigger warning! Self-harm***

_You piece of shit why would he ever love you, you knew he wasn't gay. He was lying to you; it was all out of pity. No one will ever love you. _The tears streamed down my face and my heart pumped. I'd been running down the sidewalk, but I'd become completely exhausted in the past minute. I sat down in a space between two buildings and caught my breath. I was coming back to reality as I examined my surroundings. _I need something… a fast__ food cup, cigarette butts, a receipt, a glass bottle… __There we go. _I reached for the empty beer bottle lying against the wall and smashed it on the pavement. Shards flew all around me, and I located a large piece. I held it up to my flesh, my arm extended in front of me. I closed my eyes and pressed down, sliding the cold glass across my skin. I threw down the glass and turned to my arm, which was already oozing blood. I exhaled. I sat and watched it run down my arm. And then I heard yelling. Someone was yelling for me… and then Phil turned the corner. His eyes just as red and puffy and mine, he collapsed beside me, wrapping his arms around me. His chest hit my arm, and I stared, not saying a word. I felt nothing, so… empty. He loosened his grip and pulled himself away.

"Dan... Please I-" And he stopped, noticing the blood running down my arm, and the wet spot in the center of his shirt. He stared, and finally some of my emotions returned, just by noticing the look on his face. It hurt, not my arm, but the way he looked at me was painful. It was more than disappointment, he looked so hurt… like he thought it was his fault. Tears were streaming down his face and he gripped my arm.

"D- Did you do this?" I nodded my head slowly. I wanted to get up and run from him, as far away as I could, but I couldn't find the energy or the nerve to.

"We, uh- we should go to the hospital." He choked out. I wanted to tell him that it was fine, to kiss him, and show that he had nothing to worry about, but I just couldn't.

"No" was the only word I uttered. He looked grim, but he complied. He removed his jacket, and then pulled off his blue jet-pack penguin t-shirt, already stained in blood. He slid his arms back into his black jacket, zipping it up to his neck. He sat directly in front of me, pulling my arm slowly toward him, wrapping his shirt around it, and he applied pressure with his hand. He seemed to be so calm now.

"Dan, I want to talk to you about the two things that just happened. And I'm going to keep checking this, and if it doesn't stop bleeding soon we are going to the hospital whether you like it or not, okay?" I nodded, and he proceeded. I still couldn't find the energy to remove myself from the situation. "What you saw with Laura wasn't what you think, and I'm going to explain exactly how it played out. I was putting my things into a box, and she shoved me onto the bed. Look at me Dan." He spoke sternly, and I lifted my gaze from the ground to meet his stare, "Okay, You walked in the second she pushed me down, I was going to push her off. I wouldn't lie to you Dan, and you know that. I was never going to let her kiss me; I'm never going to do anything with her again. I should have said I was dating you and I should have yelled at her for calling you a name but I didn't because all I wanted to do was leave, I wanted to talk to her the least amount of time I could. If she knew I was dating you she would have targeted you more and I didn't want that. None of this was supposed to happen. I brought you along so that you wouldn't worry and you'd know that I'm loyal to you but then she did that, and I can swear to you that it was all her. And the second thing, I'm assuming this is the reason for the blood on the sheets. Dan this isn't okay. You shouldn't be causing yourself any harm because you really don't deserve that. You shouldn't ever have to be unhappy or ever feel the need to hurt yourself. If you feel like doing this again I want you to tell me. For one it's incredibly dangerous, and I want to be able to make you happy enough so that you'll never have to do this again because I love you Dan. I love you so much, I'd do absolutely anything to make you happy and you will always come first, before anyone." My arm felt sore, and I was tearing up. I didn't think I would ever mean this much to anyone, ever.

"I love you too." I gave a weak smile and he did the same.

"Do you believe me when I say that I hate Laura and nothing will ever happen between me and her? And will you tell me if you ever think about doing this again?" He was completely serious, and this side of him was a bit intimidating.

"I... I believe you. I trust you." He lifted the shirt from my wound, and then ran his finger gently across it.

"Did it stop?" I watched him. The last thing I wanted to do is go to the hospital.

"Yes. Want to go home?"

"Please." He stood and pulled me up from the ground, and we headed for home.


End file.
